Hunter News Network
by Mikuro Kurayami
Summary: Ever wonder how the HxH people would fare as media personnel?


Title: Hunter News Network  
Author: Mikuro Kurayami  
Genre: Comedy (I think… laugh at me for being stupid)  
Warning: Complete moronic-ness… I obviously need a life : P Slightly PG-13 for the language used and some shounen ai/yaoi (nothing to graphic, don't worry). And tons of Kurapika torture… so if you love him too much to see him tortured then by all means, DON'T READ.  
Disclaimer: None of these wonderful characters are mine. They are all Yoshihiro Togashi's twisted creations ^__^'  
  
Location: Kojira Island.   
Time: Almost 7:00 PM  
  
Man drinking beer 1: Hey Mito-san! Isn't it time to change the channel? It's almost 7  
Mito: *clasps her hands* Ah yes! *get the remote and changes the channel*  
Man drinking beer 2: HEY!!! I was watching the aquarium channel you cretin!  
Man drinking beer 1: *throws the chair he is sitting on away* Who are you calling a cretin you twit!!  
Man drinking beer 2: *does the same* HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A TWIT YOU WORM?!?!  
Mito: *tries to intervene* Guys… can you settle this dispute outside? All of us here are watching the news  
Man drinking beer 1 and 2: Hai Mito-san! *they go out and let the chaos ensue. Suddenly 2 bangs are heard. The weeping and gnashing of teeth drowned the blaring sirens of the police cars and ambulances*  
  
*the intro of Ohayo plays on the TV*  
Gon: *giving everyone his trademark genki* Konbanwa~! I'm Gon Freecs  
Killua: *same genki look* Konbanwa~! And I'm Killua Zoldick. And you're watching…  
Together: HNN!!!  
Gon: And now for the coverage this evening…   
*silence*  
Killua: *hissing* what are you doing?  
Gon: *hissing back* I don't know what to do next…  
Killua: *whacks him* Baka! You're supposed to read what's on the paper!  
Gon: *seemingly enlightened* Oh! Okay~! And our coverage for this evening… It's the annual Auction in Yorkshin once more. And as usual it has attracted tourists from all parts of the globe. A shoot-out just happened recently in Kojira Island right outside Mito-san's bar. For the world news, President Silva Zoldick and First lady Kikyou Zoldick arrived in Ryuusegai a few hours ago for a discussion with Ryuusegai president, Kuroro Ruciful.  
Killua: For showbiz, Killua (that's me) and Gon…  
Gon: That's me~!  
Killua: …launch their new radio segment entitled Hunter x hunter R. For sports, it's all about the Hunter Exams! For food and cuisine, Menchi will teach us how to make Sushi *gags* For science and technology, the Hunters release a new game called Greed Island as well plus a lot more news so stick around folks!  
Gon: Now we go to our headlines. The annual Auction in Yorkshin has just begun last week. Thousands of tourists and auctioneers flock one of the biggest cities in the world to witness this event. We have Hisoka to tell us more about it. Hisoka?  
Hisoka: Thanks Gonny! *grins evilly* Kukuku… great lights, great food and loads of heavy traffic. The streets of Yorkshin are once again jam-packed with people from all over the world to attend the various auctions scattered around the city, may it be legal or not. The police and the members of the Injyu are at maximum alert for the members of the Genei Ryodan who are out to steal the priceless treasures in the city. *grin slowly melts into a frown* Great… the police are at me again… *starts running away* this is Hisoka live in Yorkshin city… back to you Gon and Killuaaaa~~!!! *throws a few cards at them and continues running*  
Killua: *sniggers* Gonny huh? Anyway, we have Bonorenolf live in Kojira Island to tell us more about the current shoot out there. Uh, Bonorenolf?  
Bonorenolf: *holding his mic* …….  
Gon and Killua: *sweatdrops*   
Gon: Maybe we can have Shizuku-chan first! Shizuku-chan, can you tell us more about the shoot-out?  
Shizuku: *beside Bonorenolf* Uh… *shuffles her papers nervously* Um… someone died here.  
Killua: *falls over* that's why its called a shoot-out. Maybe you can interview someone there and ask what happened.  
Shizuku: Okay… *approaches Mito* Excuse me ma'am what happened here?  
Mito: *matter-of-factly* Someone died…  
Killua and Gon: *sweatdrops*  
Mito: *realizes that she's on TV* Ohmigod!! Why didn't you tell me we're on TV!! *combs her hair with her fingers then turns to Shizuku* Do I look fine?  
Shizuku: Uh yeah. Umm… *shuffles her papers nervously* Can you please tell us how everything happened?  
Mito: What news network is this?  
Shizuku: Umm… were the… *checks her papers nervously again* HNN, Hunter News Network.  
Mito: Nani?! *faces the camera* Gon? Hiya Gon! *waves happily* I'm on TV just like you~!!   
Gon: Ehehehe… Mito-san… *shuffles his hands timidly*  
Killua: *exasperatedly* Mito-san, can you tell us how did the victims die?  
Mito: *breezily* Well you see, these two lamebrains were fighting over the TV a little while ago and before we knew it, their brains were sprawled on the floor.  
Shizuku: Ummm… *checks her script* the authorities say that someone with the name of Franklin was responsible for this. How true is that?  
Mito: *blink blink* Who's that? All I know is that they were creating havoc in my bar while we were all glued on watching HNN *flashes a winning smile in the camera* I mean, would you believe the man had the nerve NOT to watch the news?! He's breaking the long tradition handed down from us by our-  
Killua: *interrupts the long and pointless discussion* Um… thanks for that Shizuku. *to himself* Stupid… Anyway, we'll be back after a few messages from our sponsors.  
  
*Commercial*  
Illumi: *morosely* Before… I used to have dry and lifeless hair… but now, look at me! *flips his hair dramatically* I have hair waaaay prettier than that useless fag Kurapika! Because I use…  
Hisoka: *smells his hair* "Fucking shit! What a great conditioner!" *goes ogle-eyed* It's better than Kurapika's hay of a hair!  
Illumi: *grins then winks at the audience* Try it!  
  
*once more the Ohayo intro plays in the background*  
Killua: Konbanwa and Welcome back to HNN. Now we go to the world news… Kurapika?  
Kurapika: *bows respectfully* Konbanwa minna-san! For the world news, President Silva Zoldick with his wife, the First Lady Kikyou Zoldick arrived yesterday in Ryuusegai to have a meeting with President Kuroro Ruciful. The couple plans to stay there for a week before heading to Yorkshin for the auction.   
Silva: I'm here to arrange some business matters with Mr. Ruciful. Ryuusegai is a very… um… uh… *looks flustered as he glances at his wife* nice… place.  
Kikyou: *wipes her fuzzy visor with a tiny white handkerchief* I'm just here to visit my home town…  
Kurapika: *smiles* Back to you Gon and Killua…. *to himself* I'm gonna pummel Illumi later…  
Gon: Thanks a lot Kurapika! And now we'll have Shalnark for the preview of the newest game in the market.  
Shalnark: Thanks Gon and Killua. Right beside me is the Computer Game Master of the Hunter world, Mr. Miluki Zoldick!  
Miluki: *grins, his pudgey cheeks wobble as he does* Hiya!  
Shalnark: The Greed Island has been nominated various times this year for Best Newcomer game and Game of the Year for various Gaming and Technology awards in the world. Can you tell us more about it?  
Miluki: Sure thing. The Greed Island, you see, crosses the boundaries set by mere Virtual Reality by taking the player into the world created in the game itself. Also it is created by Hunters themselves, therefore we are assured of its high quality gaming…  
Shalnark: Err… right. So-  
Miluki: …I've played the game myself and the interface was super awesome! The controls are smooth and prevents any physical strain whatsoever…  
Shalnark: *sweatdrops* Yeah thanks. So-  
Miluki: And the graphics are out of this world too~! The sceneries are lush and the resemblance of yourself in the game is uncanny. You can even edit your physical appearance by just wishing it. You can make Kurapika less gay looking if you want to…  
Shalnark: Umm yeah… So-  
Miluki: Compared to the other games like the Y-box, PC2002 and Nightmare Station, this is the King of all games!   
Shalnark: *looks helplessly at the screen* Uh… thanks-   
Miluki: But that's not all! I haven't told you about the various genres of games playable in the Greed Island! For RPG, we have Last Fatastic XXX, for sports, Ubogin Snowboarding, for fighting we have Tenken Tag-you're-it and-  
Killua: *interrupts all in one breath* THANKYOUVERYMUCHFORTHATINFOMILUKIII~~!!! *pants heavily*  
Gon: *sweatdrops* Do you always have to interrupt them Killua?  
Killua: *glances at him darkly* Do you honestly think the viewers care? *grins widely at the camera* Anyway, let's see our Horoscope with Neon-san.  
Neon: Finally its my turn… *glances darkly at Killua and Gon*  
Gon: Konbanwa Neon-san!  
Neon: That's Neon-sama for you squirt… *flips her hair dramatically* I don't see the point in having that conditioner commercial with Illumi in it. Why not me instead? Like duh? Black hair is soo waaaay out. But its not as tacky as Kurapika's blonde locks, y'know what I mean? *gives a drippy look at the camera* And why did you place me in the horoscope section? I should be in the fashion and beauty section… I mean like horoscope is sooo antique-  
Gon: *surprisingly interrupts* Thanks Neon-san!  
Neon: *fuming* Hey I'm not-  
Killua: And now we move to our trivia section care of Kurapika *leans at Gon* Thanks…  
Gon: *grins* Don't mention it!  
Kurapika: Welcome to MY trivia portion of the show! *wiggles his eyebrows* Now I have today a confused gentleman who I wish to enlighten…   
Leorio: Hiya! *waves at the camera*  
Kurapika: Now my dear mystified friend, tell me what inquiry had kept your mind from functioning properly recently?  
Leorio: *sneers* What's with the flowery language?  
Kurapika: *pointedly* It's for show… now answer the question!  
Leorio: *scratches his head* Uhh… alright. But are you sure you really want to answer my question?  
Kurapika: *kicks his head* Who's asking the questions here, me or you?!?!  
Leorio: *peeps* Uh… both?  
Kurapika: *blinks rapidly* Oh yeah… anyway, just ask your question so we can get it over with. (The director might get mad at me for hogging the show unlike Illumi…)  
Leorio: Uh… *pauses dramatically* Are you gay?  
*long silence*  
Kurapika: NAAAANIIIIII YOOO~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *his neat, bishonen hair stands on all ends* I… AM… WHAT?!?! *fumes start fizzling out of his nose and ears*  
Leorio: *gulps and stares at the camera* That wasn't such a nice question wasn't it?  
Gon: Rest in peace Leorio! *gives an sympathetic look*  
Leorio: What?! You're not gonna… save me? What happened to the friendship we once had… Gon?? Killua??  
Killua: *flashes a piece of paper* An enraged-psycho kuruta isn't part of the contract so… *wiggles his fingers* Sayonara!  
Leorio: *defeated look* Help… me.  
Kurapika: *lounges towards Leorio* YAAAAAAHHHHH~~~!!!!!!  
*censored due to extreme violence*  
Gon: *sweatdrops* I guess we don't have a health and nutrition portion for the show huh? Anyway, we go to Illumi-san's part~! Err… what was it again?? *glances at Killua*  
Illumi: *gives Gon a dry look* It's the Fashion portion you little clodhopper  
Killua: He-ey! Don't call Gon a clodhopper you nympho~!! *clamps his mouth*  
Illumi: *ignores the insult* Anyway my beloved viewers and fans… Konbanwa~!! *flips his well-treated hair in its full silky glory* Don't be a Kurapika, be hip! Be trendy! *flutters his eyelashes* Be moi!! Here's what's in and out in fashion~! *displays Kurapika's picture* This… _dress_ *stares at it with contempt* is sooo cliché~! *tosses it away and strikes a pose* purple pants, high brown boots and puffy sleeves with pins are in! Don't be a square… don't be Kurapika. *shows the same picture of Kurapika this time more close up* Take a look at this revolting blond hair! Blond is congruent to D-U-M-B. *drops the picture like a hot potato and tosses his head exaggeratedly* Black hair stands out, PERIOD. It even attracts cute little magicians to do your every little bidding. *hint hint* Anyway, back to my little brother and that annoying punk, Gon.  
Killua: *eyebrows twitching with disgust* I think I'm gonna be sick…  
Gon: Don't barf on air ok? *brightly in pure Gon manner* Anyway, Pakunoda-san what's up with show business?  
Paku: *nods professionally* Very plenty. First of all, Hunter x hunter airs the first episode of Hunter x hunter R featuring our very own Gon Freecs and Killua Zoldick. The show opened with two special guests, the famous seiyuus Takeuchi Jyunko and Mihashi Kanako. More special surprise guests are coming up so tune up every Saturday twelve midnight, for a doze of kiddie insanity even if you're not insomniac... or if you're too young and decent for Kurapika's hot and sultry yaoi bedtime adventures. Like anyone would WANT to see that… *to herself* Why can't I have my own bedtime adventures with dancho? I'd even to an episode with Hisoka for all I care…  
Killua: *gapes for a while but regains his composure* Thanks a lot for that, Pakunoda-san.   
Paku: *gives them a melodramatic look of pity* When will I star in your show?  
Gon: Very soon I hope. You're the most normal newscaster here. *grins genkily*  
Killua: Yeah… you attract the most attention too. *sweatdrops then points at her blazer's plunging neckline*  
Paku: *stares at her blazer then back at them with a meaningful look* It's an asset that no one else has… even that genderly confused gay Kurapika, and it keeps people away from my face.  
Killua: *to himself* You mean keeps their faces on your assets.  
Gon: Now we have Menchi-san to FINALLY teach us the proper way on how to do Sushi!  
Menchi: Right you are Gon~! *flashes a triumphant smile at the camera* Now I shall show you examples of how NOT to do it correctly! *flashes pictures of Gon, Killua and Leorio* These three look dumb as they are dumb… *flashes the "sushi" they made* See that? That obviously hints their ignorance to the art of cooking sushi. *flashes a picture of Hisoka on top of a tree* This one didn't even try making one. I guess he knows that he can die trying but wouldn't even succeed. *shakes her head then flashes a picture of Hanzo* He claims to know everything about sushi since its their traditional food but… *shows a picture of herself eating it with a disgusted look on her face* The loser didn't even get the taste right! Lastly… *shows a picture of Kurapika* He looks so young and full of knowledge… *an air of admiration floods her face* but…. *her face melts into a mocking smirk* look at what that useless git did! *flashes Kurapika's "sushi" then shoves it away* Lesson in life, looks are deceiving. That nympho seems to be intellectual but he's just like the other idiots out there! The only difference… he's gay! And I'm obviously the real thing!!! *bounces her boobs emphatically then does an evil triumphant laughter* Back to you Gon and Killua~!  
Killua: *sick* Eww… Kurapika's sushi looked alive…  
Gon: *blinks quizzically* she didn't even teach us how to do sushi! Now we'll never know how to do it.  
Kurapika: *storms in the studio* I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE~~~~!!!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS STUPID NEWS NETWORK HATE ME AND BITCH ABOUT ME SO MUCH~~~?!?!?! *faces Gon and Killua with rage in his crimson eyes*  
Gon: Don't look at us! We're just the news anchors here!  
Killua: Yeah! Is it our fault you're gay?…oops… *grabs Gon's collar then makes a run for it*  
*the camera gets knocked off its tripod and only sounds of a rabid shriek amidst the wails of terror and chaos are heard… then the sight and sound of static fill the screen*  
  
Next day…  
  
*the intro of Ohayo plays on the TV*  
Wing: Konbanwa! I'm Wing your temporary newscaster for HNN. And for our headlines… A major manslaughter has occurred right in this very spot yesterday night. For showbiz, Kurapika's hot and sultry yaoi adventures has now been cancelled due to its-  
Kurapika: *suddenly appears behind him in all red eye glory* WHAT?!?! FIRST THE HNN, NOW MY SHOW?!?! WHHHYYYYYYYY~~~~!!?!??!!?!!  
Wing: *cringes* Uh… I-I-I'm just an innocent n-news-c-caster here f-for the d-d-day…  
Kurapika: *gives him a look that would freeze hell* WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!  
Wing: *gulps* Uh… I-I-I'm just an innocent n-news-c-caster here f-for the d-d-day…  
Kurapika: GAY?!?!? YOU CALLED ME GAY?!?!?  
Wing:*blood drains from his face as the shadow of the kuruta warrior soar over him* NOOOOOO~~~!!!!!  
  
*the camera once again falls of its tripod and only the sounds of ripping flesh and the cries of anguish and frenzy are heard followed by monotonous static*  
  
OWARI… *bow*  
  
Authors notes: *goes out of hiding* I know its soooo corny and all… but well so am I! Nyahahahaaa… *sweatdrops* I know it sucks and all but I just needed to release my insanity for a while *sweatdrops even more* Why is everyone mean to Kurapika? Well, I guess he's just plain overrated and the HxH cast isn't liking it one bit so this is their time to release their hatred against him! Don't worry, I don't hate him ok? He's actually one of my favorite characters ^__^' I just want to have a little fun so I torture him… (sadistic ne? ^^) Okay that's it… *hides again from Kurapika fans in a homicidal frenzy* 


End file.
